The Husband is torn between me and his mistress
«the man went to his mistress, but he lives with me!» In such, slightly schizophrenic, situations are many women. Some of them write to me. For the last two months, I received several emails from my readers where the situation — as a blueprint.There lived, not grieve, and raise children were still very young, and suddenly — a bolt from the blue. The man went to his mistress.
But gone weird. Declared that he even moved some things — and still lives at home. Cares about the children, the wife sometimes smiles, gifts trying to do.
And not defined. What can I do, how can we be?
Well, let me share my view based on experience and observations. I must say — the husband can be returned, but it requires a huge effort. So enormous that I doubt that they are appropriate.
What’s going on?
In all situations (those that I sent in the mail or those that I watched myself) have one thing in common — with small children. Generally — up to five years. Most often — not more than three. And it — for a reason.
High probability that, immersed in the cares of the child, both spouses become good parents, but spouses to be stopped. This is a common situation — no one is immune.
When the couple cease to be spouses, they begin to look for their partners on the side. A woman with a small child rarely goes for it — she’s got a mouth full of trouble with the baby. In men, there are more opportunities — work, active transportation in the city, the opportunity to stay… All this creates conditions for the emergence of a new woman in my life.
With many men and happens — they find a new spouse.
It is important to note — it is a spouse. From her he gets what he lacks in current marriage, — admiration, enthusiasm, attention to him as a man, not as to the child’s father. On the other hand, and he gives that in the current marriage is not accepted, — admiration, enthusiasm, attention to wife as a woman, not the mother of his child.
In other words, the man is a father (cares about the children, the wife sometimes smiles, gifts trying to do), but ceases to be a spouse. And his wife for him — the mother of his children, but no spouse. Hence the desire to find a new spouse.
Many this desire is embodied in a new on the side.
The relationship is rarely going to benefit marriage — this is particularly note. Thrashing «and there not leaving, and not staying here.» the man shall bring his wife to distraction. She is so hard to live in a situation of uncertainty.
The mind, of course, is not worth starting a novel — you already have a wife, she now desperately needs you and your help-support. When it is fixated on the child — will be held, and marital roles will return to you again. So have patience, save the woman, not hurt her pain. In the end, be a man — tell me that you miss her as a wife and quickly get the opportunity to be spouses (take the child’s grandmother or myself grist and give the wife a chance to relax or think of anything else). Everything can be improved and without «treatment» to his mistress.
Alas, not all that sensible.
What to do next?
Depends on the purpose of the women and their individual reactions to infidelity. If adultery is causing any noticeable pain, we offer a further approach is not about you. Here it is better to go to straight talk (with the risk of divorce in the finale). You can start this way: « you and I Have some tin in the relationship began. I forgot that you’re my favorite man, and you for some woman suffered. And remember that we are all different planned? Let’s try to get out of here and start something else. I apologize for using you as a transport for diapers, and you — for what had not been with me to talk about it, and immediately went to look for something on the side «.
Of course, this does not guarantee that the situation will improve (and certainly does not guarantee that the pain will subside), but there’s a chance. The main thing that came to the man — he did his woman and it hurts, to put it mildly, bad. When you get — the chances of recovery will increase.
But maybe before the divorce to walk, it’s — as the curve will take out.
But if you are not hurt from infidelity (if such a thing can be), it is possible to go the other way.
In this situation, the man lives in a state where its two sides are terrorizing — require to decide and make a decision. On the one hand, it hews wife, on the other — settle mistress, who demands that he finally divorced, as is already possible to pull (though the man did not feel sorry — in a different way and could not be, should have thought of that before).
The output for the wife — to become a party, which does not require anything.
It is important to emphasize that, and not all will see. The point is not to indulge the man, saying, honey, it is really great that you have a mistress. It is not about how to «keep face» and pretend. if nothing was happening. No, no, and no again.
I’m talking about the lack of requirements. Well there, you know how it is: «Opredelyaya — either me or her!», «how Much will it all can last!» and so on. That such requirements should not be categorically. That is all. And then — might work.
It’s the usual paradox of family life — more than one person worked, the farther the second departs. If they attack it from two sides, people would rather go to the one where they attack it.
How can I choose a third option — generally to escape, but this happens rarely.
In this case — again, please read carefully! — the absence of a requirement does not mean that the wife of the traitor cute smiles at him. Whit. just very helpful and encouraged is a genuine expression of their feelings. Simply put, if you want to cry — weep. And let the husband sees.
Yes, to claim the decision is not necessary, but also to hide his feelings don’t need. Sincerity is often useful and here — this is the case.
However, here again it is necessary to raise a serious question — if it’s a wife’s mental strength to live in all this? Affair lasts about a year usually (a note about this can be found in the archive of my notes) and each will have the strength to endure all this without a divorce.
And, perhaps, rightly so. The concept of «we Have to live with the father», «If a man went (or came) — it’s all your fault» or «the Woman should be wiser and endure» or «this is the female share» — a thoroughly stupid. They hang on the woman strange requirements that, in principle, its completely unrealistic. And when a woman cannot cope predictable — it spreads completely.
So think for yourself, decide for yourself — in what direction to go and what to do when the husband is torn between you and lover.
And I have all, thank you for your attention.